I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
