I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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