dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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