I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
