I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
