She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
