i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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