my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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