I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
