and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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