I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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