In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
