wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
