Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
