I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
