meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
