every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
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The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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