I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
