The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
