i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just invented taco cereal.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
