I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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