I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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