the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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