I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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