Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
even my farts smell like vagina
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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