He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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