I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
