Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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