I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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