Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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