Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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