Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
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I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
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One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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