It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
