i permit you to call me
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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