Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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