i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
