happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
