he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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