I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
