we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
