I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
