i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
