I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
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Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
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It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
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