I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
her facebook's as public as her vagina
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
