Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
