im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
