Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
