I'm drive I can fine osifer
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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