she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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