Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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