You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize