Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
