i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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