I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
