if only i could text you this smell
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
