i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
