You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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