omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
